Our First Year of Preschool

Being a teacher, I thought I had the whole school thing all figured out. I was overly excited to be on the other side of the coin and be a parent of a student. Of course, I had all the emotions of excitement and worry, wondering how my girl was going to do in school academically, socially, and emotionally. As a parent, I had to learn how to trust that teacher could manage everything seamlessly and that she knew what she was doing with a class full of 3 and 4 year olds. It wasn't always easy to give up that control.

We had many ups and downs our first year of preschool - some of which I was prepared and others that were very unexpected.

Up

The school and teacher have created such a great love of learning in my daughter. I couldn’t be more pleased that she has this positive foundation of learning set early on. She’s happy to go to school and happy to talk about school.

Down

It’s a lot harder getting a kid to school in the morning than I thought it would be. Making sure I’m dressed (maybe showered), the baby’s dressed and fed, the school kid is dressed, fed, teeth brushed, hair brushed, has all her stuff and that we’re on time, because we CANNOT miss the morning song, feels like quite the feat. Drop off is almost anticlimactic with all that leads up to getting to school looking presentable. I almost look around for a high five for all I did to make getting to school on time happen.

Up

She’s learned a lot! She can cut shapes. She knows her shapes. She draws people. She tells you about her drawings. She knows so many songs. She can recognize her name. She can count and knows her colors and so much more!

Down

She’s been sick A LOT! And, not just a cold here and there, but illness that have had us in the ER multiple times and have resulted in blood tests, chest x-rays, shots, antibiotics, breathing treatments, and inhalers. Illnesses that have started right as one ended, so it seems like months of coughs, runny noses, and fevers. We’re hoping this just means a super strong immune system for next year!

Up

We’ve learned a lot! We’ve learned that our girl is going to cry at school and that’s ok. Her teacher has handled tears quite masterfully. She’s also reassured us that it’s ok that our girl is sensitive. It’s part of what makes her HER!

Down

She cries often at school. Luckily, it doesn’t seem to take away from her day, but it’s been a common question, “Did you cry at school today?”

Followed  by, “Yes, because the boys said my building was pirate ship, but it was a castle.”

At first I felt so embarrassed, but as I mentioned above, her teacher reassured us that our girl mostly always seemed happy at school and the tears were short-lived and part of her learning.

Up

She’s made a lot of friends. We learned she has a best friend who is a boy, who she calls her person. She’s a good friend to all, which warms our hearts.

Down

We’ve had to deal with “Elizabeth* and the Mean Girl”. Our girl loves to play with everyone and it was hard for her to handle being rejected by kids who didn’t want to play with her. It was hard for us to see her struggle and not be able to do much about it, besides lots of talks and hugs.

Up

Celebrating the holidays is magnified by school. All the school activities leading up to holidays, just helped our girl understand that something special was coming up. I can’t express how much joy her Christmas program brought me.

Down

Celebrating the holidays is magnified by school. Yes, I meant to type that twice. Valentine’s Day, for example, was so much work! Making the cards and treats for her class really wasn’t as fun as I imagined it would be. Celebrating her birthday at school was also more work and money than anticipated. It was news to  me that the birthday kid brought treats for the other kids in her class, in addition to the cupcakes to share with her classmates during snack time.

Through all the ups and downs, it has definitely been worth it. It’s been an important learning experience for us all and has been good preparation for all that is to come with having a school age kid. Working out the logistics of being ready for the school day was a challenge. Helping her navigate friendships tugged at my heart. I learned that she can handle herself apart from me (thanks to a patient teacher and supportive school) and that's both reassuring and bittersweet. We all worked hard to make this school year a success and I’m sure that's going to make summer shine even brighter!

What My Second Born Has Taught Me

What My Second Born Has Taught Me

After celebrating my second born’s first birthday, it has me reflective on this past year. True, I learned a lot with my first born. It was a crash course in parenting. No amount of babysitting or reading really prepared me for life as a mom.  I’m thankful for that because even though it’s the hardest job, it’s also the best, and that’s something I would never really understand without living it. Interestingly enough, much of parenting the second time around has also felt like a crash course, but a crash course that I knew I was getting into.

So here are some things my sweet littlest love has taught me:

1. Just because I had 3 years under my belt raising one girl, didn’t mean I knew everything about raising kids or even girls for that matter.

Because, of course, in life’s normal fashion, what went right with our first born, doesn’t work with our second born. While we relied a lot on car rides to help with naptime with our first, our second screamed in terror in her carseat for about the first 8 months of her life. While our first never gave us any issue with diaper or clothing changes, our second writhes in feigned pain anytime we attempt to change her diaper or clothes. I learned the hard way that we had to hold her hands back while changing a poop diaper, because she will grab and throw.

Luckily, there are other opposites that make life a bit easier. Our first born only took a bottle for about 6 months and during those 6 months would only drink about 3 oz while I worked a full day, causing me a lot of anxiety. Our second born took to a bottle quite easily and drinks every ounce that I pump at work.

It might seem silly to not have expected so many differences, but I can’t deny that I didn’t go into parenting the second time around more confident. Their differences have definitely kept us on our toes and taught us that one of the things you can count on the most in parenting is having very little control in the grand scheme of things and that brings me to my next lesson.

2. She is her own person.

Well, obviously, right? Only I didn’t realize how soon she would show me and demand her own role in our family. While my first born is a sensitive soul with an easy going temperament, this second born is feisty and commanding. It’s really a great reminder that there’s no formula for raising kids, even for same gender kids. Being fair and equitable is giving each kid what they need and supporting each in their own interests.

It makes things both exciting and exhausting. How fun to see what each girls’  interest may be and how their personalities develop! And, how will we keep up when their interests pull them and us in different directions?!

3. I can be both redeemed and challenged at the same time.

It’s hard when important things don’t go according to the plan you had in your head and it always feels good to get that second chance to try again and be better the next time. I find that relates a lot to having multiple children. Very notably was the birth of my first born. Her birth didn’t go the way I had “planned” it in my head. Although, we were very fortunate and everything turned out perfect in the end, it hung over my head. I regretted getting an epidural, however, I see now, how much more of a peaceful birth I had with it. With my second, I had hoped I could make it through labor and delivery all natural. Well, a couple hours into my labor, and I was demanding an epidural. My sweet girl came so fast, though, that I didn’t have time for one and was able to have the birth I had hoped for. True, she herself had little control over that situation, but her birth healed me. She gave me my “do over”. I get to be better with not just her, but her sister as well. She is my reminder that life isn’t cut and dry. We can try again each day and each moment.

So even with the lessons learned from my first and the redemption I feel in getting this second chance, I’m still constantly challenged. My husband and I are still trying to figure out the best way to parent two kids and still be more than just a co-parent, but life partners. I find it more difficult to balance work and home life now that I have two children.  I’m plagued with the guilt that my first born lost something special when her sister was born. She lost our undivided attention, which is a struggle for her at times, and I feel my heart break when I see her sadness or frustration. My second born never received our undivided attention because she was born into a pre-made family. Even though it will be all she will ever know, I feel sad that she missed out on those sweet moments we had with our first. I used to just stare at my first born as I nursed her. Now, I’m holding and nursing my second born with one arm and with other I’m helping my toddler to wipe herself after she goes #2 in the potty, which brings me to my fourth lesson.

4. It is possible to sweat all day long.

Sometimes almost literally juggling two kids, I’m the picture definition of a hot mess, and by “hot’, I mean sweaty, red-faced, and out of breath. If one is playing independently, the other wants to be with me, and I mean, on me in some sort of state of wiggle. If one sees two of us having fun, she must come and join in (which I love, but often requires a lot of maneuvering kid bodies on my part). If the baby just fell asleep in my arms, the toddler needs me in the bathroom. If the toddler needs some special attention, the baby is digging in the dirt of our potted plants. And, all those are just times when we’re in the house!

Packing for two to leave the house and on a schedule, has me in a sprint most of the time. Stroller pushing, baby wearing, hip carrying, hand holding, double arm carrying - all have me in a sweat - and really strong!

Only, I’ve never been more happy to be so sweaty. Sure, I’d love a little space now and again, but as I’ve been told, this time is so fleeting and I will miss it. Through all the sweat and multi-tasking, I love it. I love being with them and I love that they want to be with me, which brings me to my last point (and I know it’s not even close to my last lesson).  

5. There is no limit on love.

When I was pregnant with my second born, I fretted and cried worrying that I wouldn’t love her as much as I love my first born. I couldn’t imagine being able to give or feel any more love. My heart was already so full. Thankfully, my worry was for nothing.

I guess there is no capacity limit to our hearts, because with the addition to our family, my love also grew. She was like a missing puzzle to our family and now that she’s here, she completes us. Instantly, both girls have the ability to fill me with light. Truly they are my sunshine, both of them, not one more than the other. And, I can’t give an example or cute anecdote showing this, because it’s just a feeling that must be felt.  I do and will always love them both until no end with all of my heart.

Photo by Michelle Ramirez http://mramirezphotography.com/

My Plea

My Plea

My brain is working on overtime
Thinking up all the ways to please you
Without sacrificing what is good.
I know what we want isn't always what we need.

I wish you would just trust me.
Be open.
Don't push me away.

Why do I have to put on this disguise to make you happy?
Why are you only accommodating if I put on a show?
I want to tear down these walls you've built up
And take you with me on this journey.

If only you knew the hope and love behind my actions.
But, you don't.
Or don't care.

You crush me with your no.
My heart sinks with your dismissal.
I see red as you turn your face away with your nose in the air.
I clench my fist and hold back my rage.

I breathe in and out slowly,
Fake an enticing smile, and
with a pleasant voice

I beg,
"Please try this yummy food Mommy made for you.
Please eat something more than rice.
Please?"

Dedicated to everyone blending up spinach in the marinara sauce, hiding veggies under rice, and holding your breath as you offer your child that spoonful of healthy food only to be rejected again and again. Today my daughter ate watermelon and goldfish crackers for lunch. Yes, I gave in. Yes, I felt like a loser. But, dinner is around the corner and I will try again.

The Five Faces of Naptime

As a first time mom, I never understood how my life would be ruled by naptime. Naps can often decide how successful I feel as a mom, and how successful I feel as a person.  The back arching, the groans, the tears, the clinginess, the fits of rage of a tired child are enough to wear on a parent’s sanity. Leaving a party early with a tired tantrumming toddler or rushing out of a restaurant carrying your crying baby hiding your own tears as you husband pays the check is not the way any parent wants to spend his or her time together as a family.

As a working mom, naptime is even more crucial. With only three to four hours to spend with her from when I get home from work until her bedtime, it’s frustrating when my fun-loving girl is so tired that she’s in complete meltdown mode for the short time I get to spend with her.  

Because naps rule our lives, I’ve named and characterized naps into 5 general categories.

1. The Jailbird Nap

This is when, despite your best efforts, you cannot put your child down to nap without him waking up. During my girl’s newborn days, I spent many hours in our recliner because that’s the only way she would stay asleep. I lost feeling in my legs, my butt felt flat, and my arms would cramp up. It was guaranteed that I had to pee and the remote was across the room. I didn’t dare move, though. Sacrifice my body for a decent nap? Heck yes!

Bonus points if you manage to get the remote, your phone, water and snacks near you before baby falls asleep on your lap. Double bonus points if you get baby to fall asleep in bed with you and you get to nap as well.

2. The Power Nap

These are my daughter’s favorites and my least liked naps. Here’s how they go: She falls asleep. I successfully transfer her from my arms to her crib. I do my celebratory strut down the hallway and then look around my messy house trying to decide which disaster to tackle first. No sooner do I start folding my laundry does she wake up. I hurry back up to her room hoping to catch her still half asleep so I can persuade her to nap a little longer only to find her wide awake and full of energy. I shudder and in my head I’m yelling, “No! Why? No!” I know this smile I see staring back at me will be short lived, as the strings of sleepiness will be dragging her down in about an hour. My house remains a mess, I know my baby is not getting the rest she needs, and I feel like a failure.

3. The Car Nap

Hopefully this occurs on your way home and not on your way out. The Car Nap is pretty easy because it usually requires little to no effort to get baby to sleep, but leaves parents/caretakers at a fork in the road, so to speak. Do you drive around extending the life of the nap, wasting gas and further polluting the environment? Or do you go home and attempt the dreaded car seat to bed transfer? I will say my husband and I have often stopped at our favorite coffee shop and then driven around for an hour sipping our coffee, enjoying each other’s company and conversation while our little one dozed peacefully in the backseat. A failed transfer can result in either a Power Nap or a Jailbird Nap and if we have the time (and gas money), we prefer to not play those odds.

Sometimes this nap is modified for a stroller or baby carrier. Either way you’re faced with the question: To transfer or not to transfer?

4. The Pre-Game Wrestling Match

This speaks more to the lengths you may have to go through to get your tired baby to sleep. Picture this: Your child is showing all signs of sleepiness – rubbing eyes, fussing, yawning. You take her into her room, sit in the rocker, and attempt to nurse (or just rock) your baby to sleep. Baby refuses and attempts a backwards bend in your lap, practically launching herself backwards head first over the side of the rocker. You get her situated again and try singing a calming song. She kicks you in the throat. You pin down her legs. She arches and wriggles like a fish on a hook to free herself. There’s crying now (could be from you or the baby or both – no one’s judging). You finally have the legs controlled and try shushing rhythmically to get baby to relax. She shoves her fingers in your mouth or nose. You try to hold down her free arm and lose your grip on her legs and then you’re back at square one.

The effort it takes for this naptime often doesn’t feel like the outcome is worth the effort, but you’re chasing a dream, so you give it all you got. You’re sweaty and spent by the end and praying the nap lasts at least an hour.

5. Naptime Nirvana

The name speaks for itself. It’s the perfect naptime when the stars or planets are aligned and baby goes down quickly without tears. He sleeps in his crib for the perfect amount of time and wakes up a cheerful rested baby. Everything is perfect so you’re also super productive and manage to do everything on your To Do list. One can dream, right?

Sometimes naptime isn’t just one type of nap. Sometimes you get combinations, like a Pre-Game Wrestling Match ending in a Power Nap. Every baby is different. Maybe you have a great sleeper and he always gives you Naptime Nirvanas. Maybe you’re like me and naptime rules your life more times than you’d care to admit (so much so you categorize and name each type of nap). Either way, know that your self worth does not correlate with the success of your baby’s naptime.

You’re doing your best. You’re enough. You’re doing great.

Wishing everyone (babies, parents, and caregivers alike) restful and painless naps!

With love,

Jeanne & Jeannette

My Moon and Sun

Soon after we met

You became a constant.

Through the ebbs and flows of my life

You proved yourself steady and true.

You were my moon –

Always present, always a light,

A beautiful glow illuminating my path.

We accepted and loved each other for

Who we were born to be.

Safe to be ourselves.

Then we grew from two to three.

Blessed with our baby girl.

I was changed.

She was my sun.

Her light shone brighter than yours.

It warmed me and awakened

A part of me that must have been

Lying dormant inside.

Her light was blinding.

I stared at the sun and all I could see was her.

Even in the darkness and when I closed my eyes,

It was just her I could see.

She filled my thoughts, my days, my dreams.

I basked in the warmth of her light.

She created a happiness, a euphoric state

Within me.

Like the Earth relies on the sun to carry life,

I needed her and I knew I would never

Be the same.

I looked back at you,

Shadowed by her powerful blaze

And even though I felt your gravitational pull

Towards me,

For the first time,

I felt like

I didn’t need you.

But, I want you to know that I was wrong.

The sun’s heat can be overwhelming,

Burning,

Too much for one person to handle.

I need the cooling constant glow of

My moon to comfort me.

In the night and the darkness of my mind,

Only the moon’s reflective calming light,

Can bring me peace.

What a sad world it would be

To no longer witness the beauty of the moon.

My world would be sad without you.

Right now you may feel eclipsed

By the light our daughter has brought

To my life.

Please know your presence is always felt,

Needed,

Wanted,

Illuminating.

My Unsolicited Concession

This is my unsolicited concession. My admission of error. I’m saying I was wrong and I don’t feel that bad about it. With most, I’d probably hate to admit I’m wrong, but in this case, I really feel like I owe this confession to her.

I very freely confess, Mom, you were right. About what? About everything.

Growing up in my teen and young adult years, I felt like my mom was over-protective and very unfairly tried to shelter me from the big bad world.

When I was 17, I had to prove to my mom that I could “legally” watch Rated R movies without her permission. At 18, I argued and argued (without success) for my curfew to be extended past midnight.

I thought she was silly when she said she wanted to shrink us down and carry us around in her pocket.

When she wanted to boldly (and sometimes a bit crazily) march in and defend me from whatever injustice was done to me, I sometimes felt embarrassed.

I declared her unfair when I noticed a discrepancy between the upbringing of my sister and my own.

For all those times, I thought you were over-protective or over-bearing, you were right to be so, Mom. For all the times I called you unfair, I’m sorry. For always being my protector with your mama bear instincts, thank you. For all the times you sat and listened to me argue and present “my case”, I appreciate your patience.

Now that I’m a mom, I see all her worries, stresses, and fears were very real and valid. I want to keep my baby girl in a bubble where I can keep her safe. I don’t care if she’s sheltered. She’ll be safe and that’s all I care about. Yes, I know I need to let her go out into the world to become a well-rounded individual, but that doesn’t mean I can’t wish to shrink her down and carry her around in my pocket. I worry constantly about her. I think about the future and I have anxiety imagining her at school away from me, driving, dating, moving out. I half-jokingly say I wouldn’t mind if she lived with us forever.

Now that I’m a mom, I see my baby’s unique personality and I realize that there’s no such thing as treating her fairly or unfairly. She needs care specialized for her personality. If we have another child, that child will need care specialized for his/her personality. Upbringings may not always be the same, but the love is always equal.

By allowing me to express my opinion, no matter how wrong it might have been, my mom raised me to be a problem solver, an independent thinker. I hope I can do the same for Jeannette, because when I think back to my many cries of injustice, I don’t know how my mom didn’t roll her eyes at me or just snap and tell me to be quiet.

As a girl full of teenage angst, I often felt alone. I put this on myself, because my mom was always there for me. As an adult and a mom, I know I will never feel alone, because she knows what I’m going through and what I’m feeling. I don’t know how a mom survives raising her child to let him/her go. I don’t know how I’ll do it, but I know she’ll help me and support me.

I feel so connected to my mom. Every new feeling I express, she knowingly smiles and nods. For all I didn’t understand growing up, I now clearly see her intentions. I know everything my mom has ever done for us has been out the deepest strongest love. I think about how much I love Jeannette and I’m blown away because I now truly understand how much my mom loves me.

Even though no one is perfect, Mom, everything you did for me growing up was right. I love you.

And, But, Yet

And, But, Yet

I'm melancholy,
but overjoyed.

I'm frustrated,
yet determined.

I'm scared,
and have never felt so bold.

I'm insecure in my abilities,
but confident in my beliefs.

I'm lonely,
and never alone.

I'm clueless,
but intuitive.

I'm worried about the future,
yet have never been more excited about what's to come.

I'm tired,
but anxious to get things done.

I'm so filled with emotions,
yet feel my words fall short.

I'm captivated by her presence,
but content in my captivity.

I'm obsessed with her,
and thrilled to have this obsession.

I'm forever ruined,
and beyond pleased,

beyond happy,
beyond lucky,
beyond honored,
beyond in love,

and just blessed to be a mom -- her mom.