My Moon and Sun

Soon after we met

You became a constant.

Through the ebbs and flows of my life

You proved yourself steady and true.

You were my moon –

Always present, always a light,

A beautiful glow illuminating my path.

We accepted and loved each other for

Who we were born to be.

Safe to be ourselves.

Then we grew from two to three.

Blessed with our baby girl.

I was changed.

She was my sun.

Her light shone brighter than yours.

It warmed me and awakened

A part of me that must have been

Lying dormant inside.

Her light was blinding.

I stared at the sun and all I could see was her.

Even in the darkness and when I closed my eyes,

It was just her I could see.

She filled my thoughts, my days, my dreams.

I basked in the warmth of her light.

She created a happiness, a euphoric state

Within me.

Like the Earth relies on the sun to carry life,

I needed her and I knew I would never

Be the same.

I looked back at you,

Shadowed by her powerful blaze

And even though I felt your gravitational pull

Towards me,

For the first time,

I felt like

I didn’t need you.

But, I want you to know that I was wrong.

The sun’s heat can be overwhelming,

Burning,

Too much for one person to handle.

I need the cooling constant glow of

My moon to comfort me.

In the night and the darkness of my mind,

Only the moon’s reflective calming light,

Can bring me peace.

What a sad world it would be

To no longer witness the beauty of the moon.

My world would be sad without you.

Right now you may feel eclipsed

By the light our daughter has brought

To my life.

Please know your presence is always felt,

Needed,

Wanted,

Illuminating.

My Unsolicited Concession

This is my unsolicited concession. My admission of error. I’m saying I was wrong and I don’t feel that bad about it. With most, I’d probably hate to admit I’m wrong, but in this case, I really feel like I owe this confession to her.

I very freely confess, Mom, you were right. About what? About everything.

Growing up in my teen and young adult years, I felt like my mom was over-protective and very unfairly tried to shelter me from the big bad world.

When I was 17, I had to prove to my mom that I could “legally” watch Rated R movies without her permission. At 18, I argued and argued (without success) for my curfew to be extended past midnight.

I thought she was silly when she said she wanted to shrink us down and carry us around in her pocket.

When she wanted to boldly (and sometimes a bit crazily) march in and defend me from whatever injustice was done to me, I sometimes felt embarrassed.

I declared her unfair when I noticed a discrepancy between the upbringing of my sister and my own.

For all those times, I thought you were over-protective or over-bearing, you were right to be so, Mom. For all the times I called you unfair, I’m sorry. For always being my protector with your mama bear instincts, thank you. For all the times you sat and listened to me argue and present “my case”, I appreciate your patience.

Now that I’m a mom, I see all her worries, stresses, and fears were very real and valid. I want to keep my baby girl in a bubble where I can keep her safe. I don’t care if she’s sheltered. She’ll be safe and that’s all I care about. Yes, I know I need to let her go out into the world to become a well-rounded individual, but that doesn’t mean I can’t wish to shrink her down and carry her around in my pocket. I worry constantly about her. I think about the future and I have anxiety imagining her at school away from me, driving, dating, moving out. I half-jokingly say I wouldn’t mind if she lived with us forever.

Now that I’m a mom, I see my baby’s unique personality and I realize that there’s no such thing as treating her fairly or unfairly. She needs care specialized for her personality. If we have another child, that child will need care specialized for his/her personality. Upbringings may not always be the same, but the love is always equal.

By allowing me to express my opinion, no matter how wrong it might have been, my mom raised me to be a problem solver, an independent thinker. I hope I can do the same for Jeannette, because when I think back to my many cries of injustice, I don’t know how my mom didn’t roll her eyes at me or just snap and tell me to be quiet.

As a girl full of teenage angst, I often felt alone. I put this on myself, because my mom was always there for me. As an adult and a mom, I know I will never feel alone, because she knows what I’m going through and what I’m feeling. I don’t know how a mom survives raising her child to let him/her go. I don’t know how I’ll do it, but I know she’ll help me and support me.

I feel so connected to my mom. Every new feeling I express, she knowingly smiles and nods. For all I didn’t understand growing up, I now clearly see her intentions. I know everything my mom has ever done for us has been out the deepest strongest love. I think about how much I love Jeannette and I’m blown away because I now truly understand how much my mom loves me.

Even though no one is perfect, Mom, everything you did for me growing up was right. I love you.

And, But, Yet

And, But, Yet

I'm melancholy,
but overjoyed.

I'm frustrated,
yet determined.

I'm scared,
and have never felt so bold.

I'm insecure in my abilities,
but confident in my beliefs.

I'm lonely,
and never alone.

I'm clueless,
but intuitive.

I'm worried about the future,
yet have never been more excited about what's to come.

I'm tired,
but anxious to get things done.

I'm so filled with emotions,
yet feel my words fall short.

I'm captivated by her presence,
but content in my captivity.

I'm obsessed with her,
and thrilled to have this obsession.

I'm forever ruined,
and beyond pleased,

beyond happy,
beyond lucky,
beyond honored,
beyond in love,

and just blessed to be a mom -- her mom.

To Have and to Hold

In honor of our anniversary, I created a list of 10 things my husband has taught me about life. Many of these lessons are hard for me to accept; however, Joaquin has demonstrated to me through his own actions the benefits of doing so. We are not perfect, but Joaquin has brought so much happiness into my life and made me a better person in so many ways.

Here are a few of the ways:

10. Know how to ask for help.

So many times, when I’m overwhelmed by life, I break down. Joaquin always reminds me that he’s on my team and is here to help, even if it means finding me the help I need, like texting my mom to babysit for us. It’s not easy for a perfectionist, like myself, to admit she needs help, but it sure makes my life easier when I listen to my husband and seek out assistance. (Don’t tell him I said that.)

9. Do things that make you happy.

When there’s something Joaquin doesn’t want to do, he doesn’t do it. Unless, of course, it’s to make me happy (i.e. watching Frozen with me). I often feel guilty doing something special for myself, but he encourages me to get pedicures when I want, take my yoga classes, and eat the whole bag of sour gummy worms if I so choose (to name a few). Adversely, he encourages me to decline invites if I’m not feeling up to a get together and to not feel bad about saying, “No, thank you.” I say no to others much less frequently than my husband probably wishes.

8. Accept the hard truths.

I’m really good at giving my husband what I like to call the hard truths. When he’s wrong about something, I tell him. What does my husband do with my tough love? He listens, takes it in, and often thanks me for it. I’d like to say I do the same. However, my reaction is defensive. After much debate (which often is accompanied by tears), I’ll sometimes eventually allow the hard truth to sink in.

7. Give praise.

I can’t deny how good it feels to receive praise. Joaquin boosts my ego praising my writing, my classroom management, my cooking, my parenting, etc. He may even throw in a harmless white lie, like when I ask him if I’m a know-it-all, he assures me that I’m not and tells me I’m smart. It reminds me to repay the favor and promote the positive in him and others.

6. Accept praise.

So then after my dear husband showers me with the praise I actually love, my first reaction is to minimize myself/actions, which frustrates him. Admittedly, it feels better to just say thank you and accept a compliment.

5. Understand that everything is not black and white.

For me, things are always right or wrong, fair or unfair, good or bad. This can be a very rigid way to live life. Joaquin reminds me that life has shades of gray and there’s not always an explanation as to why. For example, when I say I don’t like mushrooms, I mean that I don’t like mushrooms cooked/prepared in any way. When Joaquin says he doesn’t like onions, it means he doesn’t like raw onions, but he’ll order onion rings instead of fries, will eat grilled onions if I cook them in a meal, and will eat them raw chopped up in guacamole. I’m using food as an example, but really accepting the shades of gray has helped me get through some hard life struggles, like when I was pink slipped four years ago.

4. Don’t take life so seriously.

If you don’t know my husband well, you may perceive him as quiet and serious. Those are the last two adjectives I would use to describe my husband. He’s the kind of guy who will put on Minnie Mouse ears for a photo, make corny jokes, and dance around the house. He’s silly and fun and brings out the silliness in me.

3. Be yourself.

Throughout high school, I wanted to be someone else. For example, I always wished I was more athletic. Playing softball together brought these old feelings to the forefront. When a softball comes hurling towards me, I have to fight every fiber in my body to NOT duck and cover. When a softball comes whizzing towards Joaquin, he’ll jump through the air, arms outstretched, sacrificing his body to catch that ball. We’re opposites in this way. When it comes to fight or flight in sports, Joaquin fights and I want to flee. Even though, he encourages me to play and to not be afraid of the ball, he never makes me feel dumb for having those feelings and doesn’t try to change me. This is a silly example, but the bottom line is Joaquin makes me feel safe to be me and that desire to be someone else disappears.

2. Don’t take yourself so seriously.

And while being himself, he can also laugh at himself. My insecurities have often stopped me from laughing at my mistakes or shortcomings. Joaquin lets Nina and I tease him mercilessly and is always good-natured about it.

1. Keep the faith.

I have wanted to have a baby for quite a long time. Through circumstances foreseen and unforeseen, this did not prove to be a quick accomplishment for us and I grew discouraged. I was so discouraged that I began to give up hope. I thought that being a mom wasn’t in the cards for me and I was devastated. Joaquin was always there telling me that he knew that God would bless us with a baby. And, his faith proved true. He was strong in our faith when I was weak.  God has blessed our union in many ways, and our baby girl is the ultimate gift. Joaquin did not let me give up and I can’t thank him enough. Through our daughter, I experience a life-changing love. I see in her the power of prayer and the strength of our faith. I get to be a best friend, a wife, and a mom. It’s the greatest privilege.

Happy 4^th Anniversary, Joaquin! I love you with all my heart! Here’s to many more!

D-Day

Today is the 70th Anniversary of D-Day. For those who need a history refresher, D-Day was the day the American troops disembarked from England and landed on Normandy Beach, entering into World War II.

My grandfather landed with the American troops on June 10th on Utah Beach, which eventually led him to Paris and my grandmother and the start of my family's history.

Raul Enriquez, my grandpa

Jeannette Saiz, my grandma

Yesterday, Nanny (my grandmother) and I were talking about D-Day. I asked her what she remembered about this day. She said she was listening to the radio with her family. They listened with anticipation wondering if the US troops would be able break German lines. She said the arrival of the US brought so much excitement. After years of being occupied by the Germans, they were finally being kicked out of France.

I mentioned that it was a life changing day. She agreed with me, explaining that no one knew if England would have been able to hold the Germans off if the US had not entered into the war.

Reflecting on the impact of this historical day, to me it was life changing in more personal ways. It brought my grandparents together. How else would a modest 19 year old Mexican-American man from Chandler, Arizona have made it to Paris, France to meet and fall in love with my grandmother? By no means am I condoning the war, but I'm full of gratitude and pride with the US's involvement in WWII and with my grandpa for enlisting.

My grandparents wedding

I love my family's history. I named my daughter after my grandma, not only to honor the exceptional woman that she is, but as a way to remember and carry on my family's history. In her name is the love my grandparents found in the midst of a horrible war. It's the bravery my grandfather showed in enlisting and fighting for the end of tyranny and the bravery my grandmother showed in leaving her home to follow her new husband to start a life of their own. Her name represents the strong bond that united them all those years ago and that unites them still to this day. And, it all began with D-Day, so happy D-Day everyone!

Living with Regret

Many people say they live their lives with no regrets, but not me. I want to live with regret. To me regret means to feel bad about something we did or didn't do, which I think is important. Sure, after we initially feel bad and make amends with ourselves and/or others, I believe it's critical to move on. However, doesn't the initial feeling of regret, push us to change the situation or change ourselves?

I'm reminded of this life philosophy with the passing of my dear friend, Diane Skaer. It's difficult to even write that sentence with her name in it. She was first my mentor in our careers and soon became my friend. She was funny, cheerful, smart, sincere, down-to-earth, humble, and loving (to list a few of the characteristics that made up this beautiful soul). People say she had an infectious smile and laugh and they are correct.

She suffered from a terrible cancer. The cancer and the treatment weakened her body, but not her spirit. She was a true inspiration. In the face of a life threatening disease, she openly shared her suffering and her fears. Her courageous honesty, inspired me to be brave in my own struggles. Seeing her continuously fight to live reminded me to let go of the petty life inconveniences and focus on my blessings. Understandably so, the recent passing of her father, weakened her spirit. And eventually Diane's body lost the fight to survive.

I'm happy she no longer has to fight to live and is now at peace. Selfishly, I'm sad for myself. I'm sad I didn't get to see her one last time. I'm disappointed that I didn't get to tell her one last time how lucky I am to be able to call her my friend. I regret that I didn't spend more time with her. I know I could have been a better friend. It is with this regret, that Diane continues to inspire me.

I'm regretful for the lack of time I had with Diane and for all I never got to tell her. From this regret, I'm inspired to be a better friend, wife, sister, daughter, mother, teacher, person. I'll actually be physically there when my friends or family need me. I'll say the important things, like, "I love you" "I'm sorry" and "I forgive you". I'll let go of the unimportant things like jealousy and insecurity. I know I won't be able to do this all the time. I'll falter. However, the memory of Diane will always remind me to try again.

I'm thankful for this regret, because it will make me better. I thank God for placing Diane in my life. I thank Diane for her friendship, love, and inspiration.

In order: me, Melissa, and Diane